This week’s Dvar Torah is being sponsored by Ms. Helen Bauer of Paris in honor of her late father Leib ben Yosef whose Yahrzeit is on the 22nd of Shevat
PARSHAT YITRO – INTRUDING ON SOMEONE’S SPACE
Yitro (Jethro) was the father in law of Moshe (Moses). This came about through a series of events that are related in Parshat Shemot (which was read several weeks ago).
At the time of Moshe’s birth, the Egyptians were killing all Jewish male newborns. Moshe’s mother attempted to save him by placing him in a tarred basket and setting it afloat on the Nile River. Pharaoh’s daughter found the basket and took the young Moshe to the palace. There he was raised as a member of the Royal Household.
When Moshe matured, he went out among his enslaved brethren where he came upon an Egyptian taskmaster who was attempting to murder a Jewish slave. To save the Jew, Moshe killed the taskmaster and hid the body in the sand. Talebearers then conveyed these events to Pharaoh, and Moshe was forced to flee Egypt in order to save his life. Moshe journeyed to the land of Midyan where Yitro was a prominent person. Eventually, Moshe married Yitro’s daughter Tziporah who bore him two sons.
When Hashem (G-d) later summoned Moshe to liberate the Jewis slaves, he left Midyan for Egypt with his wife and children. On the outskirts of Egypt, Moshe met his brother Ahron (Aaron) who advised that it would be best for the wife and children to remain in Midyan until after the Exodus (Rashi 18, 2). The advice was heeded and Tziporah and their children returned home. After the Jews miraculously crossed the Red Sea and later received the Torah, Yitro brought Tziporah and the children to Moshe so that the family could be reunited.
Parshat Yitro begins by relating that as Yitro neared the encampment of the Jews, he sent word to Moshe to inform him that he would soon arrive. Why did Yitro send this message?
The commentary of Sforno explains that as a son in law, Moshe would be burdened with providing Yitro with suitable lodging. Yitro therefore sent word of his proximity so that Moshe would not be suddenly and unexpectedly saddled with this responsibility. The Sforno continues that Yitro acted in keeping with the Talmudic concept of, “Do not enter your home suddenly, and certainly not the home of your friend” (Talmud Pesachim 112b). In other words, one should not suddenly enter a home without warning, even one’s own home, without first doing something such as knocking.
How this Talmudic ethic is linked to Yitro’s conduct requires some clarification.
Let us first examine the Talmudic idea itself. Seemingly, it means that the person in the home being entered might be dressed in a way or might be doing something that would make being seen an embarrassment. A warning of one’s arrival is a good idea for it enables the one at home to avoid the embarrassment of being seen that way.
Upon reflection though, it is apparent that this could not be what the Talmud meant. The Talmud only enjoins people from suddenly entering the home. But it would be acceptable to first knock and then enter immediately afterward. If the fear is that a sudden intrusion might cause embarrassment - for example if the person in the house was in an unbecoming state, the brief knock on the door will not help. It will not allow the one in the house enough time to get presentable. That might require a 10 or 15 minute warning. What then is accomplished by knocking rather than making a sudden entry?
It must be that the Talmud’s idea is more subtle. It is saying that on some level, all people live within their own personal inner sanctum. And it is as if there is a protective buffer of “respect demanded” around that sanctum. This is one’s personal domain that proclaims, “Do not enter unannounced.” One who enters that sanctum without warning jars and shows disrespect to the other person’s personal space. For this reason, one should first knock on the door, even before entering one’s own home.
Intruding suddenly and unannounced into that sanctum is a violation of the Torah’s ethic of respect. Rather, one should first make it known that the intrusion into that inner area is about to occur. It is proper to first announce that the home is about to be entered - i.e. by knocking or through some other warning, such as a phone call. Afterward, entering the home is appropriate.
This idea has other applications as well. Suddenly speaking to someone who is absorbed in an activity is an instance of the same intrusion. Rather, such talk should be prefaced by words such as, “Excuse me.”
In explaining Yitro’s message to Moshe with this Talmudic concept, the Sforno is thereby carrying the idea yet further. In the Talmudic case of entering a home or when suddenly speaking to someone, all that is required is to first briefly knock or say, “Excuse me.” In the case of Yitro visiting, there was going to be a more complex task thrown upon Moshe – he would suddenly be asked to arrange Yitro’s lodging. In this instance as well, Yitro gave Moshe a more advance warning so that he would have the lead-time necessary to see to this task. Evidently, the failure to do so would have also been the same type of intrusion into Moshe’s ‘inner sanctum,’ and that is what Yitro was avoiding.
Some examples of this second idea come to mind.
Bosses in a workplace who assign a major task should, ideally, first give warning that a big job will soon be put before the employees. The same holds true for teachers giving their students a major assignment.
Think of a spouse who must take a business trip that will leave the other half of the couple with extra duties taking care of the home and the children. The ethic of respect demands that to whatever extent possible, advance warning of the trip should be given.
Consider the example of a family where a child has his or her own bedroom, but when there is sleepover company, they are given that child’s bedroom, and the child doubles up with one of the other children. Respect for the child’s ‘sanctum’ demands that some measure of early notification of the need to move should be given to the child.
The following vignette seems like an appropriate closure to this chapter. It was told of Rabbi Yaakov Kaminetsky who, for many years, headed the Yeshiva Torah Vodaat in Brooklyn, NY. He was one of a handful of Torah scholars who studied in the great pre WW II yeshivot of Eastern Europe. After that terrible war, he played a major role in rebuilding traditional Judaism in the USA.
A student of R. Kaminetsky was terribly concerned about properly raising his first child, and he would often question his teacher on this topic. One time while they were discussing the subject, R. Kaminetsky asked his student, “How do you bathe your child?” He answered that he first places several toys in the tub with the child, and allows him to play with them for a while undisturbed. Then he enters the room and removes the toys and washes the child. The rabbi then asked his student if he has any hobbies of his own. He answered that he enjoys working with tools and building things in a small workshop that he built for that purpose. The rabbi then asked him “What would you do if while working with your tools, three large men suddenly entered and took your tools away?” The student answered that he would be devastated.
The rabbi then replied, “Your child’s world at that moment is a tub filled with toys. To the child, your entering and summarily removing his toys is exactly what those three men would be doing to you by suddenly siezing your favorite tools. When you are about to bathe your child you should instead first inform him that it will soon be time to get washed. Then explain lovingly that when this happens, the toys will have to be removed, but at the next bath, he will be able to play with them again. This way you are showing respect for the world that he inhabits.”
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