PARSHAT YITRO – EMBARRASSMENT AND HONOR
After growing to manhood, Moshe (Moses) killed an Egyptian taskmaster who was attempting to beat a Jewish slave to death. He then fled to Midyan where he married Yitro’s daughter Tziporah who bore him two sons. When Hashem (G-d) summoned Moshe to liberate the Jews, he left Midyan for Egypt with his wife and children. On the outskirts of Egypt, Moshe met his brother Ahron (Aaron) who advised that it would be better for the wife and children to return to Midyan until after the Exodus (Rashi 18, 2).
Parshat Yitro begins by describing how, after the Torah was given at Mt. Sinai, Yitro brought Tziporah and her children to the camp of the Jews to reunite them with Moshe. As Yitro neared the Jewish camp, he sent word to Moshe that he would soon arrive. The Commentary of Rashi (Yitro 18:6) explains that Yitro’s purpose was to assure that Moshe would come out to greet him. Yitro’s message to Moshe was recorded in the Torah for posterity without it being criticized. This indicates that the Torah considers what Yitro did to be correct.
A generally accepted Torah virtue is that honor should be avoided. For example, it is written that, “Jealousy, lust and honor remove a person from the world” (Pirkei Avot 4:21). If so, asks the commentary of the Gur Aryeh, how can it be that Yitro acted properly? He was pursuing the honor of being greeted by Moshe, the great prophet and leader of the Jewish people.
The Gur Aryeh answers that Yitro was not seeking honor. Rather, he sought to avoid being embarrassed. Normally, a host goes out to greet an arriving guest - especially if it is the host’s father-in-law. Accordingly, had Moshe not have gone out to meet Yitro, it would have been a public insult. Yitro therefore acted to prevent this from happening.
(At least) two different relevant ethical principles can be inferred from this text:
I. Avoiding personal embarrassment is a moral virtue of the torah. A man who walks outside with a stained shirt is violating the Torah’s ethical code. Clearly, the same holds true of any other unbecoming or improper behavior that could prove embarrassing. When we (sadly) hear of Jews whose financial crimes make headlines, they are typically guilty of at least three major sins: stealing, lying and “chillul Hashem” (desecrating G-d’s Name by one’s improper conduct). But it is also true that on a personal level, these criminals have violated the Torah’s morality by causing themselves to be embarrassed.
II. A cardinal principle of Torah is that one should avoid pursuing a “Mitzvah haba biaverah,” a good deed that is made possible by a transgression. For instance, we do not steal from others or work on Shabbat in order to earn money for additional charity. Honor is so harmful that (as already mentioned) it “removes a person from the world.” If so, why was it proper for Yitro to pursue honor in order to adhere to the Torah’s virtue of avoiding embarrassment?
It must be that when personal honor is pursued for a just reason, its normally harmful effects can be avoided. For example, a halacha (law) of the Torah is that one should honor his Rebbe (teacher of Torah). Halacha (Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah, 242:20) states further that a Rebbe who refuses this honor is “withholding kindness from its owner” (“owner” being the student seeking to bestow the honor). The halacha is certainly not demanding that the Rebbe should sin. Rather, since the Rebbe is allowing himself to be honored for a proper reason, he can avoid the harm that typically infects those who are honored often such as arrogance, feelings of self importance, and so forth.
This same principle also is applicable to a parent or classroom teacher and at times, even a boss in a workplace. Insisting on a certain measure of deference is often called for; but the honor can be pursued without its ordinarily damaging consequences.
Very possibly, in all of these cases, special care must be taken. The recipients of the honor must always remind themselves to retain their humility and pay no heed to the honor being received. They must keep in mind that the honor is for their position but not because they are superior. With these precautions in place, it is possible to receive the honor and yet avoid its normally detrimental fallout.
The point should however be made that not all embarrassment should be avoided at all costs. The prophet Yechezkel (Ezekiel) is referred to in the Torah as Yechezkel son of Buzi. “Buzi,” the Midrash (Yalkut Shimoni on Yechezkel 1:3) writes, is a derivative of the Hebrew word “Baz” which means embarrassment. Buzi was attached to Yechezkel’s name to connote that he was often embarrassed. Clearly, Yechezkel was being extolled for the fact that he endured humiliation in order to perform G-d’s work.
Yechezkel’s ongoing embarrassment at the hands of others was praised. Yet, the incident with Yisro suggests that even a one-time incidence of personal embarrassment should be avoided. What is correct?
In truth, these two sources are not contradictory. There are times when, depending on how it is performed, the same deed either will or will not earn the ridicule of others. In such cases, one should make certain to act in a way that will preclude the ridicule. Yitro was about to visit the camp of the Jews, no matter what. But he attempted to do it in a way that wojuld not prove embarrassing to him.
But there are other times when a person’s perfectly appropriate and righteous deeds will end up being scorned by others. In such cases, one should persevere despite the inevitable embarrassment. Like Yechezkel, one must be mindful of pleasing G-d and unmindful about pleasing fools and evildoers.
For that, Yechezkel earned G-d’s everlasting honor.
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